LETTER FROM A PASTOR

(This is a letter from a priest to a couple who are living together prior to marriage, and who have approached the priest for a church wedding. One can sense the delicacy of the situation and the tensions which surface when Catholic traditions are confronted by those who are losing contact with the gospel).

Dear ______________, You have asked me to be witness to your marriage, and I am pleased that you wish to be married in the church. But, before I give you my answer, I want to share a few thoughts with you.
I am sure you know that the Catholic faithful do not approve of your living together before marriage. I hope you are not surprised that I also disapprove of it. By asking me to witness your marriage with the usual kind of wedding celebration, you are putting me in awkward position. If I witness your vows in normal celebration, I am giving quiet and unspoken approval to your present behavior. I would be treating you as I would a couple who has not been living together. I am uncomfortable with that because I want to encourage people to live according to Catholic moral traditions.
Let me explain why I think what you are doing is wrong. I do not want to talk just about the Commandments of God, although I believe that what you are doing is contrary to them. I would rather talk about relationship to the community, both civil community and the church community. Both disapprove of couples living together prior to marriage.
By your living arrangements you are saying quite publicly that you do not care very much what the people in these communities think. And yet you come to me, an official of the church community, and ask me to treat you in the same way I would treat a couple who has respected the customs and rules of the community, and these often at great personal self-denial.
Putting it another way, you have been living together as if you are married. In effect you are saying to the community, to your friends and your families that you wish to be treated as if you were married. But now you come and say you want to be treated as unmarried, and have a celebration of the fact that you are now marrying. There is some kind of contradiction here, which puts me in a difficult spot. If I say yes, I seem to be saying that what you are doing is O.K. If I say no, I am refusing to restore you to the community.
Living together and having sexual relations prior to marriage are wrong. Relating sexually is a sign and symbol of a total gift of one person to another. The total gift is made in the marriage vows when two people give themselves to each other publicly - for life. To engage in sexual relations before making that formal, public, permanent gift and commitment on marriage is to falsify the sacred symbol that sexual intercourse is. To engage in sexual relations before marriage is to give yourself in an action that symbolizes total self-giving, but with the idea that the gift can be taken back. God's laws regarding sexual behavior are not whimsical or arbitrary. They are guidelines to the sacred significance of sexuality in our lives. They are directly opposed to the cheap, selfish and shallow view of sexuality that is found in so much of our culture.
I am trying to understand the social, economic and emotional pressures that have led you to live together. I would like to hear your reasons. But I am convinced that another solution could have been found - and even still can be - that will permit me to witness your marriage.
I would be happy to officiate at your marriage in a simple, quiet ceremony with two witnesses and perhaps immediate families. That is what I would do if you had been married in a civil ceremony and now wished to have the marriage made valid by the church. Since by your living together you seem to be saying "We want to be like married people", I would be very happy to treat you like married people and witness your vows simply and quietly.
Another possible solution might be for you to live separately from now until marriage. That would be a public statement to your family, your friends and to me that you are trying to live your courtship in a way which reflects the Catholic faith and tradition.
I hope you will think about these things. I hope you will come to see me again and that we can work out some way that will allow me to witness your marriage.
Love is a beautiful gift from God, and I am happy that you love each other and wish to marry. I hope we can work out the difficulties that I have with your present living arrangements. I hope to hear from you soon.

Respectfully,

Your Pastor